Give Them Grace
When my daughter was 2 and 3 years old, she went through a season of throwing horrible temper tantrums. She would scream at the top of her lungs and fling her head backwards. I remember many nights where all that I could do was hold her in a fetal position with my arms and legs wrapped around her. This would sometimes last for an hour. So many thoughts would run through my head during these times. “Does she need to go to the E.R?” “Am I an awful parent to have caused this?” “Is she possessed?” I know the last one sounds extreme, but during these episodes it was hard to believe that my little 3 year old daughter could be capable of such terrifying actions. I don’t really like to call it a tantrum because when I would google it I was never satisfied with the definition, as it did not describe what we were dealing with. I switched to searching for terms like “rage” and “chemical imbalance.”
My husband and I quickly learned to look for signs of the beginning and learned that once the episode started, there was no turning back. We also learned that no amount of punishment or deterrence would be fruitful. (It was during this time that we changed our thoughts on corporal punishment and spanking. I will spend some time on that in another post.) I wish that I could say that I discovered a solution, or that there was a “one size fits all” answer, but that is not the case. However, I want to offer a few things that I have learned from this experience that will hopefully encourage others.
One of the first things that gave me hope during this time was finding a book called, Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson. Confession, I did not read the entire book. I was going to school full time, and leisure reading was not an option. But in one particular part of the book the author talks about finding the beauty in a strong willed and emotional child. (I am paraphrasing.) She says that seeing a child’s emotions on full display is a beautiful and spiritual thing because you are seeing every piece of who they are and what they are dealing with on the inside. Unlike the child that is reserved and keeps his emotions in check, the emotional child allows a parent to breath easy knowing these emotions are front and center, and they can work to understand them. This was a major development for me, and allowed me to see these moments of rage in a different light. I remember the next time I was holding her down to keep her from hurting herself, I had tears running down my face and I remember thanking God for allowing me to see the deepest emotions of my little girl.
A second thing that gave me hope was a better understanding of childhood development. I was in school working towards my bachelor’s degree in social work and during this time my classes were focused on childhood development, and class was like therapy for me. I would go to class and learn about the emotional needs and development of 2–3 and 3–4 year olds, and I would constantly have “a-ha” moments that would allow me to better understand what my children were going through. I also learned a lot about nutrition and mental health. I learned to watch the things that my kids were eating, including monitoring their sugar and food dye intake. I believe this allowed my daughter to have a little more control over her emotions. When she wasn’t full sugar at 8:00 at night, she was better equipped to fall asleep at night. I still struggle with this part of parenthood because I struggle with discipline in areas of nutrition and mental health in my own life. However, learning to be aware of these factors has given me a few more tools to work with as a parent.
One final thing that has helped me through these years is the realization that a parent-child relationship is just that, a relationship. It is not a one way street or a “do as I say, not as I do.” It is an endless cycle of give and takes that will only survive if I am willing to recognize the weakness and failures in my own life as well as theirs. One of the most humbling revelations that I have had as a parent is that my children see EVERYpart of me. They see the good, the bad, and even the ugly. My children recognize when I change my accent while talking to different members of the family. They know my facial expressions when I am putting on makeup or doing my hair. They know my struggles with anger, and they know my house is rarely clean. However, despite this knowledge, my children still love me. The parent-child relationship is a daily chore that takes work and never-ending amounts of grace.
Ava is 6 years old now, and she still seems to have more feelings and emotions than her little body can contain. Not too long ago she came to sit in my lap, and I asked her what was wrong. She replied, “I feel angry, but I don’t know why.” I knew that these were the exact same feelings that she was experiencing a few years ago, but this time she was capable of expressing them to me. I know she will be a teenager before I know it, and I don’t know how we will handle these moments at that time. All I know to do now is to create a space for her to know that she can come to me and to express what she is feeling and to know that she will be heard.
